the epileptic blogger

You’re only human

This isn’t a post for pity or even attention, I’m not like that but one thing I promised myself when I decided to start blogging was that I would keep it 100% real. Too many blogs only share the good ‘insta worthy’ side of their lives, that is something I vowed to never do, for my life isn’t all glitter and rainbows, there’s many, many clouds and storms in the mix and that is what I wanted to share with you, for the internet gives us all that false idea that everyone else has that kind of picture perfect life and we seem to be forever in this up and down roller coaster.

I’ve seen many “Day in the life of” posts lately, but they all seemed so rosy and happy. I know that sometimes our days are far from that and it can be scary to talk about, you’re scared of the judgement, the thought of people thinking you’re failing at this whole being an adult thing – I promise you, you aren’t! I’m past worrying about what people think about me and I feel that this needs to be shared so others in my position know that they are far from alone and it is normal and okay to feel like this.

Well lets go, Here is a day that I have had recently…


I awake from my broken nights sleep, somehow more tired than I was before I went to bed, how is that possible?
Shaniah has given me the pre 7am wake-up call and all I want to do is spend the day in bed, nothing can go wrong for me there. Lately both my Heart and Epilepsy have been flaring up and with epilepsy, Anxiety comes hand in hand, until recently I had kept how I sometimes feel to myself, at every Epilepsy appointment I am asked how I feel in myself but I just smiled and told them I couldn’t be better, it wasn’t until I was diagnosed with Supra-ventricular Tachycardia and the specialist said that he could tell “I am anxious do I suffer from Anxiety?”(I wouldn’t be able to take a certain tablet if I did) That I broke down in tears and realised that no I am not okay in fact I couldn’t be further from “okay”. I decided to take a trip to the doctors and that’s when they diagnosed me. I can be absolutely fine for months and I don’t have it bad but there’s these times where I am a worrying wreck my latest episode started a couple of weeks ago when Shaniah poked her eye and I just can’t shift it, I cannot help but worry that my teeth are getting loose (I know that they’re fine I have not long had a dentist appointment) but something inside of me is telling me that they’re getting worse by the second.

A few moments pass, I lay in bed and check my social media, the usual smiling faces of beautiful children and their parents fill my Instagram and I wonder to myself ‘Why can’t I be like them?‘ My gorgeous girl popped into my bedroom and snuggled up beside me, I look down at her and in that moment I know that I have a reason to get up. Although I am still not feeling it so a day in just my pj’s is how it’s going to be.

The day goes by so slowly, every little thing is getting on my nerves – every little thing except Shaniah, she seems to be the only thing that makes me feel just that little bit better. Shaniah settles down for her afternoon nap so I take advantage of that and head for a nice bubble bath to soak all my troubles away, if only it was that simple hey? I jump in and remove the hair band from my hair that has been holding up my cliché mum bun since Sunday (that is how bad this bout has been). I jump out of the bath after a good 20 minute soak and head to my bedroom as I guessed I had better put some actual clothes on, I can’t stay in my pj’s forever. I also realised that I had better brush my hair that hasn’t been brushed since the beginning of the weekend, my hair was matted beyond belief every little stroke of the brush against my hair left tears streaming down my face – why do I do this to myself? After a good 5 minutes of pain and tears I felt the need to just give up and shove it back up in the bun and forget about it but I knew that if I did it would only prolong the pain. No sooner than I had got half way through did Shaniah awake from her sleep, she popped into my bedroom took one look at me and sat down beside me wrapped her arms around me and told me

It’s okay mummy, don’t cry… I love you mummy

Those words could melt 100 cold hearts. I paused for a minute put the brush down and burst into tears, that is my girl and she has a heart of gold. She held my hand and I managed to brush the other half of my tangled hair. I don’t know what I did to deserve Shaniah but my word I am eternally grateful!

We headed downstairs and played with her toys, it wasn’t long until Ryan came home from his day fishing. I longed for his company. He had called up earlier in the day saying he fancied a takeaway for dinner for once I didn’t turn it down, I just simply didn’t feel like cooking I love cooking don’t get me wrong but today I just wasn’t feeling standing in front of a hob.

He came through the door with the takeaway, we sat down to eat and he immediately noticed that I wasn’t myself. Continuous questions about what was up flooded my ears as I ate I simply ignored it and carried on, I didn’t want him to know I was weak, I didn’t want him to know I cried over brushing my hair.

Time moved on and it was eventually time to put Shaniah to bed, it was just Ryan and I, although it wasn’t it was Ryan, the thoughts and me. I felt so lonely and useless. Ryan knelt down in front of me, looked me in the eyes and began to ask me again what was wrong? Before he could even finish his sentence I burst into tears, yet the understanding bloke he is simply hugged me tight and I sobbed myself to sleep in his arms.

 

The point of this post is that we are not alone when we have bad days, there is always someone who is there to listen to whatever worries you may have, there is always someone who can make those days better and more importantly everyone has bad days, yes some more than others but we all go through it. Yes you may not have brushed your hair in I don’t know how many days but I bet you accomplished something much more bigger! You aren’t a failure you are simply human.

2 thoughts on “You’re only human

  1. Awe bless you! I can relate so much to what you have just said, lately I have been feeling on and off too and only a few days ago broke down because I felt no one liked or loved me because that’s what my anxiety does to me it makes me feel so low and paranoid. It can really interfere with life, if you ever need someone to talk to please feel free to message me! Don’t ever suffer in silence. Sending you a big hug Xx

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