You never realise how lonely you are until it’s the end of the day and you got a bunch of things to talk about and nobody to talk to.
If you are a regular on my blog you will know that due to numerous health conditions I still live at home with my mother. This past week however, she was away in Egypt and it was just Shaniah and I on our own during the day. Loneliness is never really something that I have ever suffered with but this week it became unbearable.
Ryan’s work has been extremely busy these past couple of weeks which although it is a good thing, it did leave me feeling a little deflated. He was mostly working up in London which meant that he was up and out the door before 5am and some days he wasn’t back until gone 6pm.
The first couple of days were fine, Shaniah and I took the bus to town and had lots of fun kicking up the leaves and going to see my Nan. However A few days in the novelty wore off. I found myself going so far into a dark place that i have never really ventured in to.
I longed for a chat with an adult.
As much as I love spending time just Shaniah and I, what I craved was a chat with another adult. After all, you cannot chat to a 3-year-old about the drama unfolding on Corrie and expect them hold out the conversation. I needed to speak to someone who saw me as Tamara and not just someone who brings them food and draws funny faces on paper, I longed to interact with the outside world!
Hours went by and I could feel myself getting more and more worked up. I couldn’t text Ryan, he was rushed off his feet at work. I couldn’t message Ashley, he was heads down at school, my dad was also at work and my mother was in Egypt. Apart from those four nobody else interacts with me – Parenthood really is one heck of a lonely place.
It got to the point where I just had to talk to someone so I made the stupid idea of calling Ryan – at work. In hind sight that THE stupidest thing to do 1. He is extremely busy and 2. There wasn’t anything he would be able to do or change anyway. He answered the phone however, that is one thing he is incredible for, he is always there when I need him. He said hello and in that moment I just broke down. How on earth have I got this bad? I thought to myself. Get your act together girl.
I felt so alone.
As the days went on my mental state got worse and worse. I felt so alone. I had numerous emails alerting me to deliveries arriving over the next couple of days. So I had to stay in for those which meant for the next couple of days it was just me and these four walls. Shaniah had now come down with a nasty illness which left her sleeping for the majority of these days too. The TV really was my best friend.
The only thing keeping me sane was the fact that the weekend was drawing closer and I had two whole days with Ryan where I could have that conversation that I longed for, I could be Tamara as well as mummy… more importantly I could be me! That was short lived however, as work was so busy for Ryan that he had to work all of the weekend too long, long hours. There aren’t any busses during the weekend and I live a long walk from anywhere worth visiting. As Shaniah and I entertained ourselves at home, I couldn’t help but envy those families popping up on my news feed out having family days together, people taking photos with smiling faces and here I was, sat with not even a single text to reply to or another adult to speak to.
… attached me to machines and paged the doctor.
Sunday I had an unexplained, yet excruciatingly painful pain in my jaw, so bad that I was crying in agony. My dad came over and took me to the out of hours/A&E where the nurse was alarmed by the lighting speed of my heart rate (110bpm was the slowest they measured!) She was worried that with the speed and the unexplained pain something seriously wrong with my heart. She whisked me off to a cubicle and attached me to machines and paged the doctor.
Keeping my mother in the loop I wrote the update on my Facebook. It was only then that people actually acknowledged me, they actually asked me how I was and the usual comments posts like that receive on Facebook. That made me feel worse than what I was going through. Why are people only ever interested when something is wrong? If you can message me then why can’t you sent me a message asking how I am any other day?
Parenthood is a super lonely place. More needs to be done to support each other so…
- Send that message – Let someone know you’re thinking about them. You don’t know how much a simple hello means to some people.
- Offer to pop over or go out for a cuppa – just 10 minutes with someone else or even a change of scenery can put someone feeling low in such a good place.
- Make that phone call – got their number? Damn give them a call! Don’t lose someone to The Jeremy Kyle Show.
- Be the friend you would love to have – Friendship is the best medicine. To know you are not alone and someone has your back is super incredible.
Parenting is lonely, but together we can change that.