For the majority of my life I’ve spent it in Fear, not fear of people but fear of the silliest of things. Now before I start I must point out there are many, many people out there who go through worse than what I do but none the less this story is still one that needs to be shared.
It all started way back in Primary School. I didn’t like people touching me or even knocking into me. If someone touched me then I’d constantly have these thoughts running marathons in my head… They have given me germs? I am ill now? That part of my body they just touched, well that’s going to fall off? I freaked and freaked to the point I ran to the bathroom in tears and spent ages washing my hands over and over again. The more I washed the more I worried, the more I worried the more I washed. Every day at home time of leg it out the class room in tears only to tell those who came to pick me up the reason in crying is because someone touched me. You can imagine their faces right?
Remember the London bombings? I ran all the way home at the end of the school day and pleaded with my mother to lock the doors and shut the curtains because that’s how I felt safe, I was adamant that they were coming this way next. Looking back on it a chain across the door wouldn’t stop an exploding bomb just like closed curtains wouldn’t stop bullets from coming in but at the time I believed it would.
The next big thing I can remember was 2012 when every where you looked there were people saying that the world was going to end. Now anyone with a healthy mind will know that that’s pure bollocks and the chances are next to nothing. For me though, I believed it all, I pleaded with my parents to let me stay home. If the world was about to end then would I spend my last day st school? Would I heck. They gave in eventually, truth be told they had no choice. I was in hysterics on the floor by their legs!
Through out my life there’s been little things that I’ve escalated in my mind. Innocent little spots? Must be meningitis. Head ache? Oh well that’s a brain tumour. You can see how it goes.
Just last week when the Westminster attack happened, the same reaction I had with The London Bombings came back. I just wanted to get home to my security blanket. Yes I’m 19 and I have a blanket that calms me down.
Sunday night I noticed what I thought was a wobbly tooth. This tooth mind has always been a pain, before braces the little fella was hiding behind another. Now the braces are off he’s not perfectly in line but he’s not shy no more. But I’ve had moments over the past few years where I’ve thought he was wobbly and got over it forgot it in time but this time it’s different. I can’t seem to shift the thought. I’m checking it every 2 minutes, I’m constantly poking it with my tongue between checks and It even feels funny. In the past whenever I’ve worried so much I’ve gone to the doctors so they can tell me I’m fine but I can’t do that with teeth it’s got to be the dentist. Now one problem with that…im frightened to death of dentists! I’ve put off going there for ages as my seizures started around the time I had 4 teeth taken out in preparation for my braces I’ve always associated the two together. But last night I got myself into such a state that I wasn’t going to he this way anymore I’m going to face my fear. And so I did. I got my mum to call the dentist this morning (I don’t like talking to people on the phone) and it’s booked. Already just by doing that I feel as though I’ve had a bus load of worry taken off my shoulders and I’m not fiddling with my tooth as much as I was.
I guess what I’m trying to say is. We all worry about some things but unless you take a stand and stand up to your worries and fears you’ll spend your life in a grey cloud of fuzz and those days which could be so amazing will never be experienced. Are you worried about something? Is something going over and over in your head? Speak to someone. You aren’t crazy, you aren’t weird, and you aren’t a laughing stock. You are simply a human being in need of a shoulder. It’s okay not to be okay, it’s okay to have bad days, more still it’s okay to cry. There is help out there because fear doesn’t exist anywhere but in the mind.