Since becoming a parent my standards have hit rock bottom, but there is no doubt that there’s still chance that they could go further than that. Since entering the wonderful world of parenthood 3 years ago, I have found myself doing things that I never thought I would ever do. When clearing up after dinner I find myself eating that half eaten smiley potato face that was rejected by Shaniah moments earlier – 90’s kids I hear your confusion!
There is a lot you learn when you step foot into the world of parenting, some you learn straight away and some things take a little while. Here is just 10 of the things I have learnt over the past 3 years.
- TV/Ipad is your best friend.
Despite what everyone says about children and good old electricals, letting your children watch or play on them for a few minutes here and there never hurts anybody. YouTube Kids is an app that should be made compulsory on every parents phone – it is a lifesaver and blow me down, my little one has actually learnt from it! On to the TV yes children’s channels are the bane of my life but children love them… Look
at it like a free babysitter that allows you to visit the bathroom or even drink your coffee warm!
- Carrying on from the bathroom remark.
You will NEVER EVER visit the bathroom alone when the sun is up. Gone are the days of privacy, be prepared however for the “What’s that mummy?” as you pull down your briefs!
- You can spend a fortune on the latest hyped up toy but no toy beats the tat you find sellotaped to the front of a comic.
Purchase a comic for £4.99 (I know nearly as bad as those bloody freddo frogs!) and your children will be raving about the colourful plastic on the front begging you to open it for them because the suspense is just about killing them. Oh and if that comic happens to have stickers you better have some ear protectors on hand because said child is about to scream down the house in pure delight.
- You better be prepared to sell a kidney on the black market or re-mortgage your home for children’s attire costs a bomb!
Although your little ones clothes use way, way less fabric than the clothes on your backs certain items cost a fraction more than ours. Don’t get me started on shoes! Your child will be walking down the street scuffing their £42 shoe covered feet along the path whilst you follow not far behind crying into your £2.50 Primark jumper.
- You’ll spend a good few hours every day tidying up your home only to realise exactly 0.1 seconds later that it really wasn’t worth it.
I swear my child was a tornado in her previous life there’s just no other explanation for it.
- White and cream coloured clothing are a no go.
Children are the definition of dirty. Anything that can get dirty will get dirty when a toddler is in tow. You can put on that lovely white shirt and within 2 seconds there will be finger prints and snot trails all over it. I cannot remember the last time I wore anything but dark colours.
- The world becomes a scarier place over night.
I have always been one who watches the news, even growing up it was a programme that was always on (let’s face it the news is basically a count down for our soaps) I regularly felt uneasy about the stuff I saw on the news but little did I know I’d be feeling much more unnerved one I had a little one of my own. Every little thing I see on the news makes sick to the pit of my stomach with worry about what kind of world I have brought my daughter into.
- There is in fact a 2am that doesn’t involve alcohol.
Who’d have guessed it aye? Many, many moons ago when the clock struck 2am and I was still awake that was the sure fire signal that I would indeed be nursing myself a major hangover the following day. Now however, It is the time of the night/morning that I pray I don’t have to see. You think being hung over is bad. Try experiencing that time of the night sober – it is a no go area!
I say this like I’m a 3 year sleep deprived monster – I’m not, in fact up until about a year ago Shaniah was sleeping through the night like your dream baby. Now however, she is the child from hell, She can regularly be found throwing tea parties with her teddies in bed at quarter to nine at night, remove all teddies and she will start chatting to her body parts are her built-in alarm clock is so faulty she has been known to get up even earlier than the sun!
- Although children seem like they aren’t listening they are!
Oh boy they are. Children are the masters of selective hearing or so I thought – it turns out they’re just rude and actually don’t want to reply to you. Those moments when you think it’s safe to blurt out what you really think of Susan down the road? Yep, they’re listening and also planning a way of telling Susan what you truly think. That accidental swear word that just flew out of your mouth whilst cooking? Yep, that will become your little ones favourite word, a shopping trip has never seemed so scary.
- As cute as it is, your child learning the word ‘mummy’ isn’t all its cranked up to be.
Back to the days where Shaniah could hardly say a word and the thought of her saying ‘mummy’ seemed so far away. We’d spend hours saying ‘mummy’ over and over again praying that it would just stick in her head and she might just say it, I never realised that those days were so golden?! However, fast forward to now and I wish that someone would ban the word already.
“Mummy I’m hungry!”
“Mummy wipe my bum!”
“Mummy I need a drink”
“Mummy the cat won’t move”
“Mummy I want to go to Tesco’s”
Mummy is all you will hear in this household except when they’re unsure as to which room you’ve retreated to. Then and only then will they call for someone else, they will call for someone else and say “… Where is my mummy?”
So they are the top ten things I have learned since being a parent but would I change it? Would I heck.